


You Never Know

by LadyofAvalon



Category: Immortals - Tamora Pierce, Protector of the Small - Tamora Pierce, Provost's Dog - Tamora Pierce, Song of the Lioness - Tamora Pierce
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-09-07
Updated: 2012-06-07
Packaged: 2017-11-07 05:41:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/427513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyofAvalon/pseuds/LadyofAvalon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you really do not want to know what actually happened.  A collection of humorous character deaths.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Numair and the Bookcase

**Author's Note:**

> This was co-written with a friend of mine, Buggy, back in late 2007/early 2008. We thought it would be hilarious to see what we could do while sitting at the computer in her basement and this is what we ended up with. We sat down there merrily cackling with glee and wrote rather ridiculous ways for some of our favorite characters to die. 
> 
> There may be an author's note or two tossed into the story here and there - those were inserted into the story as part of the parody nature of what we were doing.

Daine looked around the courtyard, everything around her was a bleak and gray without him. Her friends tried to comfort her, but this was something that they didn't understand. All of them still had their spouses to comfort them. She watched everyone trying to keep busy, trying to forget.

Funny, that he was the first of them to die. One of the youngest at heart, excepting George of course, who would never grow up. What an awful way to die, having a bookcase fall on you, then landing on a quill that punctures your lung, giving you ink-poisoning. Even odder still, it was the second time a bookcase had fallen on him. The first time he fell out of his study window and was run over by Onua and Daine who were out riding. Luckily he survived, but Alanna used all her healing magic to save him.

Daine started to laugh, crying at the same time. Numair was probably laughing in Mynoss' realm. He was killed by some books and ink. The notorious black-robe who had turned people into trees, defeated evil emperors and even made it through the divine realms, was defeated by seeming everyday innocent objects, of no real fatality.

Now they were all staring at her, and what a spectacle she made. Laughing and crying simultaneously at her true love's funeral. Shakily she stood up from the chair she had been sitting on, then put her and Numair's portrait on his funeral pyre. She turned back to her peers. "He was killed by a bookcase, Numair was killed by a bookcase." As if that would make everyone understand the irony of the situation. Finally she took a torch and set his bookcase on fire, sending it to the realm of the dead with him. The one enemy he could not defeat.


	2. Neal: A Crown and a Cucumber?

Neal looked down at the pile of veggies on his plate in growing horror. Celery, carrots and cucumber oh my, the horror, the horror. In all his 65 years he still had not gotten over his dislike, no hatred of vegetables. His children thankfully had not inherited this terrible relationship with the "healthy". In fact his daughter had a disgustingly sweet feeling about his sworn enemy the cucumber. Nasty little boogers designed to torture "sane" people. Closing his eyes he shoved the nefarious cucumber into his mouth.

Ha! Now Kel couldn't bother him about eating his veggies. Where was Kel? Getting up from his seat without chewing on the cucumber he started his search. In a dark hallway he found Kel shoved up against the wall making out with his 78 year old cousin Dom. Gods it took those two idiots long enough. What! Kel is kissing Dom. He inhaled too quickly and the cucumber lodged itself in his throat.

He ran around using the universal sign for choking trying to get their attention. In his haste he tripped on a rug and ran into King Maggot's crown. King Roald had it displayed low on the wall for everyone to see. A sign of his father's victory over the Scanran's with lots of help from both Lady Knights. The sharp, pointy, nasty metal teeth stabbed him in the eye and went right into what he considered a brain.

In fact his wife was surprised that they were long enough to reach. For his funeral pyre many attended. The royal family, entire court, as an unnecessary honor the entire crowd restrained from eating vegetables for an entire week in Neal's honor. There was much laughter and storytelling at his funeral. By now the crew was used to death in their family. The oldest was the legendary Lioness. A cranky, stubborn great-grandmother who traded in her sword for a cane, which was just as equally terrify she terrorized all the younger generations. Without her husband George to control her, she was pretty much left alone because of her name and temper.

She told the best stories of how ridiculous Neal was when he was her squire. All the way up to his face when his daughter told him she was going to be knight. That was her favorite story, mostly because it was the only one she could honestly remember. As the flames died and the crowd dwindled the family moved on to their life. Shinko had kept up her cool Yamani mask through the entire ordeal. She was the only one not laughing when Prince Jon's son was discovered snogging Lianne, his longtime sweetheart.

Like he would have wanted everyone Neal loved was happy and carrying on without him. Except for her, it was hard when you lost the love of your life. Well at least he had died well. He had brought down his sworn enemy with him, the Cucumber. On his grave she had personally inscribed:

_He died killing his nemesis, the last vegetable he fought._


	3. Raoul: Why You Never Insult a Squirrel

Buri looked down at her 53 year-old dead husband. With his skin so pale and lifleless he seemed like another person. It was ironic that everyone seemed cursed to die ridiculous deaths. Numair and his bookcase, George was mugged and now Raoul fell out of a tree.

 

It had been a fine, snowy day in Winter when Jon came forward with the news. A surprise attack was what had killed him. After many inappropriate jokes that shall not be mentioned he insulted the fiercest of all animals…The Squirrel by calling it "stupider than a chicken". Apparently while riding through the woods a squirrel had dropped a nut on his head. Once was fine, but when it happened 10 times something had to be done. So like a commander of the Own he dismounted and ran after the little bugger. Even though it was his fault for insulting such cute, furry animals.

By this time he was getting too old to be under such physical strain. What he knew was that all his men were laughing at him. That's all that mattered. With much effort and nasty sound effects he a hawk on a limb near the one he had climbed. Panicking he watched as the hawk was eaten by a Griffin. Now Griffins could be nasty creatures. Especially if they were having a bad hair day, mostly because they couldn't reach the lion part of their body, which this was having a really bad hair day. Hair stuck out every way imaginable. Sideways, snozzways, triangleways, and even diagonalways.

To say that it was pissed would be the understatement of the century. As if the situation could not get any worse, he was standing right next to it's nest. That was the second top number one rule. The first was be careful what you said to Alanna. You may wake up with no hair and a large sign plastered on your forehead reading "You got burned". Now back to the present situation. Carefully Raoul walked away from the nest. The bird/lion/thing stalked it's prey. In one easy swoop it pounced onto…Raoul's horse.

The Own had dispersed, the cowards that they were. In horror Raoul felt his feet slip, he grabbed the trunk of the tree and held on with all he had. Slowly the Squirrel (aka Buddy as we shall now call him for purposes of protecting his identity) descended from the branch he had hidden on.

Picking up his last missile he aimed, drew back and released. HIT! Right in the eye, a horrendous injury for a soldier in the King's Own. Raoul grabbed his eye and fell to his death.

Buri looked down once again at her husband and smiled. He should have known all those squirrel jokes would catch up to him one day.

 


	4. Jon, Why Are You Wearing a Dress?

Like any other normal day in Tortall, when they weren't fighting a war, or battling immortals, or even destroying evil mages bent on world domination, Alanna was making her way to Jon's office. And, just like any other day in Tortall, the sole purpose was to yell at him until he broke down in tears, or made George take her away.

"Jon, why did you give me another squire that I don't want, when I have made it very clear there will be no more survivors? Did I not mess Neal up enough for you to leave me alone?" In his normal Kingly daze he stared up at his Queen's portrait. With a contented sigh he replied, "Thayet." Now, most people don't know this, but in his old age King Jon contracted a deadly and incurable disease, the LISP (Or Lithp in his case)!

So Alanna merely thought that he was saying say it. "Say what, Jon?" Still paying no attention to his very angry champion, the King replied, "Thayet."

"Jon, if you don't stop saying that there will be consequences." Still mooning over his Queen, the King made a fatal mistake by repeating his answer to a very irate champion.

In her fury, Alanna grabbed the King, her sword, and a trunk of her clothing. Anyone who got in her way was harassed with her sword for a few short minutes. George, the only one who could calm her, was away on a mission, leaving everyone helpless. You may ask what of Numair? Well, he was dead at this point, and Daine was off somewhere in the woods playing with the chipmunks and squirrels (this was before Raoul died, the relationship between Wildmage and squirrel became estranged after that incident).

So the people of Tortall were left with a furious Lioness, and no one to save them. Making her way to the Lower City and into the Dancing Dove, Alanna forced Jon into one of her dresses. Let us hesitate for a moment and reflect on the sight of King Jonathan in a too small dress (bouts of hysterical laughter). Now back to the story, still using her sword, she forced him near the river.

In order to insure this never happened again, Alanna made him skip close to the edge so all the sailors and dock people could see him as they worked. Unknown to both of them, tragedy was about to strike. Jon slipped on an unseen rock in high heels and fell over the side of the bridge he had been skipping on. Falling into the water, he was smushed into a pancake by one of the oncoming boats.

Alanna watched in horror as the disaster occurred. Falling to her knees, she let out a scream of agony, and burst into tears. "That was George's favorite dress!" And so, the Great King Jonathan, wearer of dresses and a man of many lithpth, perished the death of an idiot.


	5. Daine: Another Bookcase

Swooping through her maneuver of aerial aerobics, Daine swooped to peck King Jon on the head. At the Barbie-doll King's insistence that she stay in shape she had been forced from her extended mourning for the love of her life (Numy-pie). Sick of the boring thermals the courtyard full of stinking court decorations offered her she winged into a window and flapped down a few halls and staircases to the love of her life's (Numy-pie) favorite place: The Library.

Inside the holiest of holy rooms sat her three life-long friends. Alanna the Lioness/Short Redhead with a fiery temper, Onua Chamtong Horse lady/Owner of Tahoi, and Cloud the Pony/ Sarcastic comedic relief for this oneshot. Surprised to find these dashing debonair dandies in the library she snorted in an extremely un-hawk-like manner.

Had she been in full control of all her facilities the droppings on Alanna the Lady Knights head would be safely inside her intestines. Alanna in a normal fit of temper childishly threw a book at Daine, Cloud jumped up to catch it, knocking Onua back into a bookcase. Tilting precariously the bookcase toppled back and forth like a demented domino.

Right when the origin of balance was almost reached Cloud came back down, effectively knocking Onua back into the bookcase, causing it to overbalance onto their currently avian friend Daine. With a cry of defiance at her unoriginal end she transformed back into her human self.

Wearing only her birthday suit she looked up at her friends and said: " I see a light at the end of a dark scary, disturbingly creepy terrifying tunnel. I'm walking slowly towards it, Wait! What is that it's a large black shape (Numy-pie), at the end. It's saying something I can't quite hear. Lassie go home!"

With a final over-exaggerated sigh there shape-shifting friend joined the love of her life (Numy-pie). Alanna, Onua and Cloud looked at each other (really more glaring on the part of Onua and Cloud, Alanna was staring back sheepishly[for once]).

"WHOOOPPPSSSS" ;)


	6. Myles and the Amazing Flocknobinweha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The word (battlecry) "Flocknobinweha" was a trademark of a friend of mine and Buggy's and he so very graciously allowed us to use it for our parody.

Myles of Olau, the specific court drunk, settled himself relatively close to the refreshment table. A glass of alcoholic beverage easily within his grasp, should one of the pages forget to fill his glass. He sat quietly watching the young people of court frolic around each other.

Reaching carefully for another cup of ale, he missed and instead grabbed one of the candlesticks. When he tried to drink and was instead burned he furrowed his brow and tried to focus his vision on the "glass". For several minutes he attempted to drink his ale, becoming quite frustrated with being burned.

Eventually using his keen sense of intellect he figured out that is must be Alanna. She had done this before when she thought he had drunk too much (in reality he really had just grabbed a candlestick). Using her Gift she shocked him whenever he put his lips to the cup.

Once again using his amazing intellect he snuck/wobbled out of the dining hall. Carefully and circumspectly he made his way to the roof (everyone but Alanna saw him wander off [she was too busy snogging George]). Being up above everyone was quite a nice advantage, and Alanna never could find him up here. Somewhere he had lost his glass of ale.

In his not-drunken state he began to hop up in down in his not-stupor. Soon he was muttering something about how "grasshoppers not only turn but they hop, hop jolly high". Leaping with his grasshopper he jumped from the roof uttering his final war cry.

"Flocknobinweha!"


	7. Beka say WHAT?????

Beka was walking down the street, when behold a rabid King Roger popped out from behind the Cages and attacked. With a shrill cry he launched forward perfectly manicured nails extended. Mercilessly he tickled Beka to DEATH!

* * *

**HAHAHAHAHA- fooled you; we bet you thought that we wouldn't add somebody else too. Did you?**

* * *

It was a quiet day in the non-rabid reign of King Roger (before aforementioned tickling attack) when our dear, mischievous Piper was murdered in lukewarm blood. In fact it may surprise you to find that his own lady-love was responsible for the heinous crime.

Beka, Rosto, Aniki and Kora's days together had slowly become the same humdrum times. They would all show up to Beka's (and Rosto's) room for breakfast, then they would spend the rest of the day together talking of a manner of all sorts of things. It was on one such of these days that Rosto got out his pipe and decided to entertain all of them with not only his good looks, but charming accoutrements.

Beka up until this very moment had been keeping a secret to herself. A tiny one at the moment, but something that would become progressively bigger as time went on. Unbeknownst to her laddybuck she would decide to spring the news to him this very year, month, day, hour, minute, second, moment. "Rosto you loveable playboy (that's right they had playboy magazine back then) I have a surprise for you." Rosto who was used to and impervious to most surprises kept on playing nonchalantly. "You see due to matters that I couldn't-actually I probably could have prevented…I'm pregnant."

"."

Mind you it wasn't the most eloquent response, but hey the dude was playing a flute. Sadly it was the only response our single mother would be getting.

Rosto collapsed from the chair he had been sitting in and died right there on the floor. But before he died he left a message, nigh indiscernible thanks to the pipe caught in his throat/larynx thingy. Beka, Kora and Aniki said in perfect unison: "Curse your incurable fear of responsibility." Followed by a long drawn out silence of grief for a fallen comrade in…whatever he was…at the moment…yeah.


End file.
